Anger and resentment
How to forgive someone who is not sorry
Every version of letting go seems to require an apology that is not coming.
The pattern
The grudge feels like the last thing holding them accountable. Dropping it feels like agreeing that what happened was fine.
When this shows up
- You want to move on but not to let them off.
- You imagine the apology in detail and it changes nothing.
- The resentment costs you more hours than it has ever cost them.
What it feels like
Tight and self-righteous, with something tired underneath it. The grip is exhausting and it feels irresponsible to release.
The sutta lens
Getting Rid of Resentment (1st) (AN 5.161)
AN 5.161 gives five methods for resentment, and not one of them waits on the other person. The last is the bluntest: they own their deeds and are heir to their deeds. That is not an excuse for them — it is an observation that accountability was never something your resentment was providing.
Try this today
- 1Ask what the grudge is actually accomplishing, and be specific.
- 2Notice the difference between "this was wrong" and "I must keep holding it."
- 3Try one of the five: goodwill, compassion, equanimity, looking away, or ownership of deeds.
Continue in BuddhaUR
Open a conversation with this question already filled in — every answer traces back to a sutta you can read yourself:
I cannot forgive someone who has never apologized. What are the five ways to get rid of resentment in AN 5.161?
Know someone caught in this same pattern? Send them this note.
From the blog
A longer read on the teaching behind this pattern.